Sunday, May 22, 2011

Life Is Not Linear.

I studied with a yoga teacher for 11 years. He often spoke in cryptic sentences, leaving his students to raise their eyebrow afterwards, wondering if he was actually saying something off the cuff, or extremely profound.  I learned alot from him, but I think the most profound wisdom I ever received from him was "sometimes, we need to move side-to-side."

Sometimes the Great Conveyor Belt of Life takes us suddenly forward to a spot we didn't realize we were in.  Maybe it's with family responsibilities, maybe it's with a job, a relationship, or maybe it's with just stopping and looking back and realizing you're no longer where you used to be.

I grew up with alot of space around me.  I played in the yard, I played in the vacant lot next to our house, I played in my neighbors' yard, I went for walks.  There were 2 parks, the big park and the "secret park"- which I think only a select few of us knew existed, cause nobody was ever there.  The world seemed very, very big in a very small radius in Oklahoma, I had no concept of future, or past.  I talked to the mysterious "wind people" in the trees. I found magical pennies in the sand. I felt mystery in the disappearing edge of the vacant lot where the old stove remains stood.

Then somewhere along the way, life got very linear. Everything was leading to something else.  I felt like I was not going to ever matter unless I was constantly propelling myself forward, forward, forward.  This was as draining as it sounds.  So I stopped, and I moved across the country with two suitcases.

Now I live in Brooklyn, New York.  Gone are the parks where nobody sits but myself.  Gone are the sunrise hikes in the California canyons.  Gone are the moments of silent reflection. Now those moments feature "guest stars" of a random person yelling from the sidewalk, a helicopter buzzing, or a leery old person looking me up and down like I'm a derelict for having a hole in my knee.

My phone calls to friends back home are made quickly on the 10 minute walk to the subway with my hands full. People text because it's more efficient to make plans that way.  Everything comes down to a "NY minute," cause nobody has the time or energy to waste.  Everything is fleeting and momentary.  You can make a friend in a day and share your life story with them only to never see them or hear from them again.  That would seem weird to some (maybe me), but to New Yorkers, it's perfectly acceptable, cause they don't remember what happened yesterday. Everything that matters is what's happening now.  Which is one of the things I love most about this city...

But it's very easy to suddenly get trapped in linear thinking this way.

When I feel overwhelmed, I go back to the quiet voice... "Sometimes, we need to move side-to-side."


This means hanging out in the secret park, collecting magic pennies, and listening to voices in the trees (or, here the ones coming from the people behind the garbage can would work too).  It means sometimes just ordering delivery, or eating the chocolate croissant anyways even though you're trying to eat healthy. Sometimes it means putting your foot down even though nobody else know what the hell you're talking about.  Sometimes it means doing nothing.  Sometimes it means not trying to prove yourself to anybody but yourself.  Sometimes it means putting your problems aside and blowing bubbles. 

Life is not linear.  It's a field, in all directions.  It's not even 3-D.  It's 6-D.  There is no magic finish line, cause it's endless.  How can you encapsulate the mind and spirit of Einstein on a piece of paper? How can you reduce the depth of Beethoven's heart when he wrote the Moonlight Sonata, to a wikipedia article? And how can you judge your own life and its purpose simply by where your placement is in society, or what others think of you? 

This is not an excuse to be an asshole and waste your life away, but rather a reminder that sometimes it's not about GETTING MORE, but rather, about BEING,  MORE OFTEN.  Being simply who you already are, without needing anything more.  Without needing to do, acquire, have, or gain anything else.  Who you are is beyond your job, your facebook page, and what others think of you.  

So consider this permission to just move side-to-side, for however long you need to, in whatever way that means.  Take some time to find out, really and truly, what exists beyond your own layers.  Mull something over.  Don't decide.  Let the phone call hang.  Go to a movie alone. You'll be needing to move forward again quickly enough.  You're not going to miss out on anything. 

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