It's been awhile since I've written... This fall was fantastic and action-packed, and, admittedly, in my down moments, I felt very lazy. But in the spirit of all those things we should do at the start of a new year, I'm starting a regular blog entry again. Cause I want to.
In the last week I've had some quiet days and have kept a conversation with myself... that goes... what would make me happier? Really, truly, at the core, happier? Because we all go through our lives satiating ourselves from the truth sometimes. We tell other people that things are great, that because we're busy, we're really doing what we want to be doing. But I've been sitting myself down for serious talk lately, and asking myself ... what would REALLY make you happier?
In general, I feel happy, as normal people go. I have my creative projects, that, on a certain level, are fulfilling and I enjoy them, or I wouldn't be doing them. I get cranky, sure. I could use a little more scratch, sure, but I've kind of resigned to the fact that I will never have a private jet and a pool like Elvis did in the 60s. Times have changed. As long as I can go to the ocean once in awhile, those little - girl- dreams can still survive. (And who wants to deal with the maintenance?!)
I've turned down some invitations this week without really being sure why. I feel an inner-shift going on. Things that were working a year ago aren't working in the same way. It's made me feel a little strange, but after a few days of staying in and going to bed early, I started to relax. I spent less money. I stopped worrying a little.
And that's when it hit me: My life is reaching a weird marker where the things I do matter, but they matter in direct proportion to the things I DON'T do. Maybe it's subconscious from this facebook post that was going around lately with this "stop doing this to yourself" list, or maybe it's an approaching birthday, but whatever it is, I have found myself involuntarily changing my MO.
And when you stop doing things that make a drain on your life, something magical happens: you create space. And when you create space in your life, good things come in. Have you ever know anyone who wanted so badly to have a relationship, but had a apartment crammed so full of things that there was no room for another person to even sit down? The mind works the same way... cram it full of thoughts you don't want to have, and you'll have no room for creative genius.
So, here's a few things I WILL NOT be doing in the new year:
1) Self-inducing Friend Hangovers.
There's family, and there's "friends." You can put up with alot of crap from your family, cause you're related. And you can put up with alot of crap from your friends, cause you love them. You can also put up with alot of crap from acquaintances, cause you just see them once in awhile and you appreciate their kooky qualities, then they go home and you don't see the chin-shavings in their sink or their nasty fridge.
But there is this thing I call a "friend hangover", and it's when you assume you have a friendship with a person, you enjoy this person, you think about this person and treat them as a friend, but over time realize that they're not always around when you ACTUALLY could use a friend to talk to. And nobody can always be there when you need, them, but you realize that THIS particular friend is ALWAYS not around. You may try to reach out, and when you do, you get an earful about their bad day, and when it's time to share your news they suddenly have a more important text message to answer. You have something embarrassing happen, and they are the ones who don't realize this is their cue to cheer you up and help you laugh it off, and instead they get this tone in their voice that says "Um, what is your deal?" and make you feel like an even bigger dork. And when you feel like you need to say something, there are no room for your feelings in the big picture of the relationship. Your attempts to heal or improve the situation will be largely ignored, and leave you feeling... depressed.
So this year, when I'm tempted to reach out to those people who I know will leave me with a "friend hangover", I'm gonna put down that glass of delicious toxic juice and instead call someone who I know actually cares, like my best friend in the whole world; or an elderly friend, who would not only be glad for the chat, but probably have some good insight; or the girl from the party who had the same shoes on, who wanted to hang out sometime and is actually friendly.
2) Group Dinners.
I hate them. I don't know why I hate them, but I just plain don't like them. I love seeing friends, and especially if they're in town and it's a rarity. But I can't think of any other kind of social experience I loathe more... than... Group Dinners.
I used to wait tables. I have real pet-peeves with people who order waitresses around, make comments about the waitperson, have such finicky eating habits that it takes them 10 minutes to place an order, or don't tip well. Or unorganized parties. These experiences usually open happen when I'm at a restaurant... in a Group Dinner. I feel stifled, I feel cranky, it takes the food too long, my blood sugar drops, and I can't hear anything cause everyone is yammering across the table going "What?!" over Rihanna or echoes of treated concrete floors. So, I'm just not doing it anymore.
There are exceptions: like, people who I know I love being around, who never end up in the same room together, and I want to see them all, cause it hardly ever happens. These situations make a group dinner awesome. Or, hey, dad's taking everyone out to dinner. This happens once a year for me. Of course I'm going to go! Or my former employer, who loved taking his creative crew out to dinner before a new project, to a nice restaurant, with drinks and dessert. Those were a blast, I enjoyed the company, and it felt like a real treat.
But if someone is having a birthday dinner, at a table for 10, but maybe 12, or now 14, "around 8pm" with a bunch of people they hardly know themselves, over an over-priced bad margarita and some tough fajitas, that is going to take 3 hours, where I'm going to order a salad and then have to shell out $50 cause someone just ordered another bottle of wine, I'm now going to politely excuse myself from the early evening plans, and request someone text me when they get to the after-party gathering. Cause, now that I'm an adult, I can confidently, with grace, and without apology, decline on the Group Dinner.
3) Free Shots.
I'm a musician, I'm around alot of musicians. I spend probably 4 out of 7 nights at a music venue or a bar. I enjoy a good drink now and then, a choice beer, a glass with something and lime. But inevitably at some point in the evening, a shot may get thrust into my hand. I'm not a purist, but I try to spend ample time taking care of my health. And I know this one fact to be true: a free shot at the end of the night, "night cap," whatever you may call it, is ALWAYS a bad idea. There is absolutely nothing awaiting you in that glass except a WORSE feeling than you will already have in the morning when you realize you forgot your friend's fiancee's name after meeting her twice.
Once in awhile, on a celebratory note, it has seemed like a great idea to "do a shot!" with the group. Sorry, group, but like your dinners, this year I am going to politely decline, and pass mine over to someone with a hairy chest and a higher tolerance.
4) Saying YES too quickly and not asking enough questions.
This applies to nearly everything except "Would you like a free sample?" at the grocery store. Unless you're going to hand me a delicious tiny chocolate ice cream cone, or a crepe with a tiny fork, I'm going to drill you a little bit. Intense? Hard to Work with? Nope, just a little smarter than I used to be.
5) Telling myself I'm okay with a situation when I'm not.
I have a people pleasing button. I'm sure it stems from a dysfunctional childhood. I'm totally aware of how it plays out in my life. And I still don't know how to turn it off completely. But I have come a little bit farther in trying to stop it before it happens, and the way I have done this is through being honest with myself about how I feel about things.
And I have realized one thing to be true: you can lie to the public, you can lie to your parents, you can lie to your friends, and you can lie to a man, but when you have that horrible feeling in your stomach and can't sleep at night and want to burst into tears, you cain't lie to yourself. And sometimes, being tough is not about stomaching or accepting a crappy situation. Sometimes it's about cutting out the bullshit excuses, honoring yourself, and putting on your helmet, so you can walk through the shitstorm that awaits, and get out the door that lies open on the other side.
Oh, I almost forgot:
6) Listening to Everybody Else.
I'm advice hoarder. When I have to make a big decision, like buying a car, or signing a legal agreement, I want the advice of people I trust, or 5 people. I have had mentors tell me things that were the catalyst for great change and inspiration within myself, things that truly helped me in my endeavors. But there is one exception where I don't want your advice, and that is BAD unsolicited career advice.
I have been going down the creative path for years, and I have had successes, and I have had areas greatly in need of improvement. I don't make a large amount of money from my art, but I am truly satisfied at what I create, because I take the time to carefully create it in the way that I want. And I create it with the people I want. I'm constantly being given advice by people (usually not in my field) that begin with the sentence "YOU SHOULD JUST..." (in fact I was going to type some examples, but they started annoying me, and the purpose of this blog wasn't to annoy myself, so I erased them.)
The other day I said "If I had a dollar for everytime someone gave me what they think is good advice for my career, I wouldn't be making music, I'd be vacationing!" My roommate laughed and said "So now is the time when you are supposed to not listen to anybody else."
Something clicked just then- oh, right! Cause if I didn't have to spend time and mental energy being frustrated at things other people say, what would I be doing? Ohhhhh..... right...... I'd have more time to create. :)
